We tend to go to extremes. For example, one hundred fifty years ago we had six year olds working twelve hour shifts in factories and coal mines. Then, one hundred twenty years later we were treating people in their twenties like children.

Back in the 1950’s our personal boundaries were too thick and rigid. Then, over the past twenty years personal boundaries seemed to have disappeared. And, that is the problem. In this time of social media, where the popular thing is to just be our “authentic selves”, people are only pretending that they have no personal boundaries. The reality is that they have only learned to camouflage their boundaries, and in the process have made their boundaries more thick and rigid than they have ever been.

Personal boundaries are necessary. We all behave one way when we are alone, another way with close friends, another way with family and associates, another way out in public, and another way in close quarters with strangers. When we are alone we have no boundaries, but in each situation we add another layer to our boundaries. Each layer alters our behavior and expectation of others.

In our modern society, the people who are aware, mature, and honest about their boundaries come off as being distant and aloof, or formal, but are far friendlier and accepting than the alternative. The people who act like they don’t have any boundaries and are being their “authentic selves” are only warm and friendly with people who align with their camouflaged boundaries. To everyone else they are bristling and cruel.

One of the simplest examples is on social media. The people on social media who use their real names accept the effort they need to make to be responsible for what they do and say. It is through their behavior that they keep a boundary between themselves and others. Thus, they tend to be more stable and less abusive. People who hide behind a fake name act as though anonymity gives them the freedom to be honest and themselves. But it is just a barrier that, more often than not, releases them from the responsibility for their behavior and causes them to be evasive and cruel.

It is all just a game of leverage. It is always just a game of leverage. The period of social freedom that we have experienced over the past eighty years has allowed people to become more and more adventurous and aggressive in creating personal boundaries that they feel give them an advantage. The problem they will face in the short term is that humans are pack animals, and developing a camouflage boundary to give an individual a sense of leverage will never be able to compete for long against the pack as a whole. 

I hope that we don’t end up swinging to the extreme again and returning all the way back to the 1950’s.