Emotional Labor is the work of building, maintaining, and releasing relationships.

Relationships can be built, maintained, and released randomly, but we have evolved cultural processes to facilitate these things to minimize mistakes and misdirection, confusion and chaos, and pain and suffering. This is particularly noticeable when considering the release of a love one; whether by breakup, divorce, or death.

No process is uniform to all people, but all healthy processes respect one single truth;.. we are not in control of our emotions. We were not in control of the bonding, and we are not in control of the release. Following a process for release is a means to facilitate, tolerate, and even survive the separation, not to control the fact of a connection.

The concept becomes intricate when we consider that we are connected to many other people at the same time we are working through a release of one.

• A common mistake is to build a wall against our emotions in order to create the image of release and separation: to pretend like we are in control and everything is alright.
• Another mistake is to isolate ourselves with the thought that we will protect others from our pain.
• (Walls are absolute. It impossible to build a wall against one person or feeling without it affecting everyone else. A very important concept with divorce.)

Historically, in our culture, it was normal for a person in mourning to wear black for a time after the death of a loved one. This recognized the fact that the entire community was included in the process of release. It made the process of mourning public knowledge, and enabled and allowed others to adapt and understand the differences in expected behavior patterns.

However, a healthy culture sets limits to a period of mourning, depending on the severity of the separation. A couple weeks for a breakup, a few months for a divorce, and a year for a death. These limits are to guide individuals and the community so they know when to seek help.

Memorializing, or perpetual mourning, is dangerous. There is a fine line between memorializing and propagandizing that disappears over time… at which point the sense of emotional propriety is used to manipulate people against their own free will.